J a v a n o i d

It's all I can ever do anymore. The farthest I've gotten is level 8. This shit is hard. I get to see Jacob todaaay. We are so gay. We don't see each other for like a day or two, & we're like 'aaaah, I miss youuu'. Hahaha :p


I think I have carpel tunnel. Help.


http://ww7.freearcade.com/Javanoid.jav/Javanoid.html
^ please go play ;]

I'm a real big fan of yours.

Christofer, I WILL see you March 10th. Pre-ordering the tickets today!<33333

I'm so excited.

So, it's sad this doesn't suit you well.

& me fresh out of rope. Please ignore this lisp, I never meant to sound like this. So take me & break me, make me strong like you. I'll be forever grateful to this & you.

It's only you, beautiful. Or I don't want anyone. If I can choose it's only you.

Fix me to a chain around your neck & wear me like a nickel. Even new wine served in old skins cheapens the taste. I shot the pilot, now I'm begging you to fly this for me. I'm here for you to use, broken & bruised. Do you understand?

It's only you, beautiful. Or don't want anyone. If I can choose, it's only you.

But how could I miscalculate. Perfect eyes will have perfect aim.

If I can choose, it's only you.

“We're wrecking”, & I'm dry like a drum.When you scream so fine I'll leave; we're spent; we've got time & trials; measured in miles; we slave for days (& weeks).

It's only you, beautiful. Or I don't want anyone.

If I can choose. It's only you.

With one or two, I get used to the room.

We go slow when we first make our moves. But five or six bring you out to the car. Number nine with my head on the bar. & it's sad, but true: out of cash & I.O.U's.
I've got desperate desires & unadmirable plans. My tongue will taste of gin & malicious intent. Bring you back to the bar, get you out of the cold. A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes. & they're scared that we know all the crimes they'll commit; who they'll kiss before they get home.
I will lie awake, lie for fun & fake the way I hold you, let you fall for every empty word I say.
Barely conscious in the door where you stand, your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands. You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute. I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do. & your hair smells of smoke. Who will cast the first stone? You can sin or spend the night all alone.
Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold, in the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone. You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start. If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart. 'Cause it's all you can be: you're a drunk & you're scared. It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free.

I will lie awake, & lie for fun & fake the way I hold you. Let you fall for every empty. word. I. say.

My summer is ruined.

Well, for the most part. So yesterday, there were flyers going around the school: International Student Volunteers. You can travel to Australia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, South Africa, New Zealand, Dominican Republic, Thailand, & Eastern Europe. You can do just two weeks of volunteer service like, helping build houses & communities, helping children at school & teaching them english & just being with them, & then shit like rainforest regeneration, sea turtle & elephant conservations, etc. Like, holy shit. How AMAZING does that sound?! & then the other deal is a 4 week package with the two weeks of volunteer service & then two weeks of adventures like white water rafting, scba diving/snorkeling on exotic reefs, canyoning & cave explorations, horseback riding to hidden waterfalls, etc. That sounds soooo cool. But I would mainly want to go for the volunteer work. This is WHAT I want to do. So badly. I want to make a difference in someone else's life. I want to feel good in knowing that I helped someone. So me, Andi, & Britni skip lunch to go to the meeting to find out more about it. The whoooole time me & Andrea are shrieking at everything the lady talks about & we're on the verge of peeing & crying. When we ask if we have to be 18. Yes. The answer was yes. & then my heart ripped in two & I really almost cried /: 18 year olds ruin my life. So therefore my dreams for this summer are crushed. EXCEPT! The lady also mentioned they have a high school program. Which sounds good, but not AS good. Because then we get treated like children & we don't get to do everything the other group does. & I really wanna go to Thailand & help children & build communities & feed elephants who were rescued. It's such an amazing opportunity. It really does kill me I'm not old enough. When we left that meeting I wanted to kill everyone I saw, because it was at the college, & EVERYONE is basically older than 18. & there were only like 5 other people at that meeting. KILL EVERYONE. Like no one cares. Fuck everyone, for real. & then I heard some people say that we should help around here in the state or in this country & I was like FUCK THAT, because people have so many opportunities to fucking get a job or raise money SOME HOW, some shit, you know? So fuck that. & fuck this economy. I haven't said the pledge of Alligance since like 7th grade. Fuck this government. Foreign countries have a different style of government, like some don't have a choice. Like a dictatorship & some don't have fucking WATER. How sad is that. So that's why I want to help them so much. I really do.


Jacob has been over while I was typing half of this. telling me stories about camp. & he knows how to fence. So make fun him. Tee hee. Alright, he's whining for me to get over with this three page blog. Bye.

I'm the stupidest person alive.

This makes it two times that my emotions completely take over. I cry over nothing. & I just keep crying until I can't breathe. I honestly think it's over nothing, but then I think it's over all the things that bother me. That I have no control over. Or some shit like that. I strive to have the "tough attitude". That nothing bothers me or that I don't care for anything. But it bites me in the ass, because I hold everything in until I burst. & it's all at the wrong times. Like the first time it happened, it was actually this past Friday. When my boyfriend & two of my good friends were over. We were about to leave the house to go to a movie, when I breakdown. I mean, how fucking embarrasing is that? & the second time, was like, 5 minutes ago. & I just feel so stupid, because I don't know exactly what I'm crying about. & I feel like such a bitch. I just can't deal with anything. I'm such a fucking pussy. Fuck this. Fuck my emotions. Fuck my attitude. & fuck you.

I love Russell Brand.

Most gorgeous man alive, am I right, or am I right? Hahah. I'm sitting here playing solitaire & listening to CSS. Alright, so here's the story. It snowed last night. & there was a two hour delay. I woke up & my mom's like "well, you should just stay home or whatever, because you don't have a ride to school anyway." & I was like hooray. But then I remembered I have psychology at 2:30 & I probably shouldn't miss it, because I have my first test Thursday & blah, blah, blah. But then, as I was making myself a pb&j, my mom calls, saying she found a ride, & I was like "UGHHHHHH". So, whatever. I got ready for school, & I might add that I think I look cute (:
Anyway, I go to first, I'm in there for like 20 minutes, & my teacher's obsessed with Obama, & today's his inaguration. So we watched that, while I played solitaire. Then, I went to chorus. With NO Andi ): So then I was like "I hope hatboy is here today". But no. No hatboy. I wait for like 10 minutes with the rest of the students for my teacher to get there, we go in, sit down, sing for 15 minutes, & then she's like "uhhh, I'm letting you guys out early, cause I can't miss Obama!" So I was out super early. GAY. I go down to the canteen to get a coffee & then I go back to my first period. I should probably get going to meet Emma for lunch. So, bye. John is joining us for lunch. hahaha. Skipping transition (study hall), in which all I do is play solitaire, then science, then psychology. Sigh. & Jacob is stressing me out since yesterday 'cause I haven't talked to him at all, since he's at his mom's, or so says his father when I called last night. So now I have to find a way home. Who knows.

& notice how all I do when I'm at school is play solitaire. Hahaha, I'm addicted! ;D

I love Japanese food.

Yesterday I realized that I can stare at Jacob's face for long periods of time. I'm usually like, 'eh' about even looking at people. Like, I can hardly look at people when I talk to them. I think it's safe to say I'm pretty comfortable around him. Alright I promise all my blogs won't be about him, unless something fucking ridiculously cool happens, hahah. "Oh my stars", it's the 19th. & it's been one month. Tee hee. I'm in middle school now, hahahah.

Now on the actual subject: I think I could eat Japanese food every DAY. & bathe in that shrip sauce. Mmmm, I want some right now. It's just soooo good. If I could choose anything to eat before I die, it would have to be hibachi chicken with broccoli. End.

Oh, college.

Ah, the college life. We need some raves to go to. Hahaha. So, I'm pretty happy with all of my classes. Andrea juuust got switched to my chorus class. So, this should be nice. I'm still learning my way through all the different buildings. & today, I'll feel real cool; smoke break! Hahah, alllll included in this college package.

I'm wearing a "muffler scarf" or "tablecloth scarf", whatever it's called. It is quite warm. I was making fun of people who wear them because it's "in" right now with the stupid scene. But Emma got them for us as a present from LA, so I thought I'd give it a try. & I'd be an asshole not to :P
I really am obsessed with scarfs! (:

& I saw Ethan Pope yesterday, while I was walking to one of my classes. Cutest guy friend ever. & it was nice just hugging him & seeing him. & that other great thing about this program. I have classes, & get to see the rest of the college students. I just think it's weird, but great, considering I'm only a junior.


I was walking with Britni & Andrea downtown last night, & I realized I was finally happy. Like, for once. I dunno. I don't want to go too much into detail, but I am quite jolly (:

wah!

So I got back the day before yesterday. It was nice spending time with my boy, two weeks made us grow impatient with just being so far away. I don't see how people do long distance relationships at ALL. I really could not do it. I have to physically see the person at least 2 or more times a week. I mean, I get that for some people, ahem, Andrea, personality is enough. Having an online relationship half way around the world could be everything. It can just complete you & it's just like having like a mental, spiritual relationship with someone so... AWESOME for you. Like, I don't know any other way to put it. & for other people, I'm glad you can find this same comfort & trust & love in other people, no matter what. That must be so nice. But honestly, that would kill me. N E WAYZ. Yesterday, I went to all my new classes. I like it. Except my first period. Which I am in right now. I have the same teacher from my last semester's first period. Same room. Same computers. BALLS, bro. This class really isn't all that hard, I don't know why it stresses me out so much. I'm freezing. & my chest & my face are peeling, like goddamn. I want to cuddle up in a ball forever on my bed, wrapped in nothing but baby alpaca fur.

^ Awww. MMMM! It really is the softest thing of my life.


Alright. Back to work. Blog you later. (LOLOLOLOLOLZZZ)
Okay, bye.