I'm fine.

"I'm trying to create something that's not there. A spark I saw. A bomb is really just a means to an end. I was just so happy to be out of my shell again, don't think that I really cared for who or what. So for now I'll just have to keep it shut."

I feel fine, lately. I don't know why, because nothing has changed, or anything. I listen to Bayside a lot more than I should, hahah. I'm very tired, as usual. I still really do miss everyone I used to talk to. I talked to so many people, I can't even remember half of them, haaaa. End of the year is coming soon. I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready for a fresh start. Hey! I can write a song :P
I did write a song, though. For Lauren (: I don't know when I'll write the music for it, since I suck & haven't played my guitar in forever.
I'm really excited to go to Peru in December/January. I haven't seen that side of the family in a while. I miss them. I can't wait to tell my cousins stories about my life & how I've learned from my mistakes & how I'm getting better & changing for myself. This is good. I love shit like this. I'm really, really, really hungry. & I should be working on this assignment in class. But I just felt like I had to take a good 20 minutes or so to write this blog. For if not now, I'd never write this, & get these thoughts from my head onto the screen. I like this much better than having a journal or whatever. Journals are so annoying. I remember having a couple in like, middle school or so. I'd write about stupid things, like boys. All the time. & drama. Haaaahaha, those were the daaaaays :P
Anyway. I hope to meet a boy soon. Just for me. But you all already knew that. Kill meeee, I'm so shreepy. Oh, yeah. That's all that ever seems to come out of my mouth anymore. That, & "I hate my life". I say it jokingly. But I think I mean it sometimes. But I don't think so. I don't know. I have the biggest bags under my eyes. & this green scarf wrapped around my neck is actually keeping me quite warm while I'm listening to Emmure. Bahaha, you thought I was gonna say something sweet to go along with the image I just left you with, right? Something like Christofer Drew or Chase Coy. Haha. I've read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower way too many times. I'm currently reading it again for about the 10th time or so. I read it every once in a while to make me think about life & certain things a little bit more clearly, or something along those lines. I love you. Whoever you are, reading this. Just know that. God, I'm creepy.

"The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most. So I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds & I doubt you'll even know the easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else. & I've been tricked for so long by you that I spent these last few months in my own hell. A failed apology; a day too late. But now I see, that all you really want's to see me dangle neck first from a tree. But what would you need me for? You've got friends galore. & all you've ever be to me is a stupid, lying excuse for a person."

worst weekend.

I would say ever, but I guarantee myself, that there'll be worst weekends to come.
anyway, I did nothing Friday night. Because I felt like shit.
I've had my period all weekend, bytheway.
Saturday, I was pretty much stood up, completely. Without anything being said, no excuse, nothing. Not even afterwards. That's the part that pissed me off. It's whatever. Don't care.
I'll update this whenever, you know. I get a message. All I want/expecting.
Partied Saturday night until 4:30 a.m. Mommy's surprise birthday party(:
Which was a drag. All night I cramped. Then, everyone around me was drinking.
And if you didn't know, last party with me drinking, involved some hard core life ruining experiences. So, I was a good girl. & turned down at least 15 drinks. & that made me feel bad. Thinking, anyway. So I slept a good while. Cuddled with a puppy & was warm on a sofa. Got to drive everyone's drunken ass home, hooray. Today, cooked some & baked a cake for mama. & there's currently some family friends over. All day felt like poop. I'm about to go lock myself my room & read. I've realized how much I really do want a boyfriend. Well, I've been realizing. But, yeah. I want one for real. I don't want to be lead on any longer. As is every other case of guys talking to me. I hate it. Most importantly, my time is completely wasted. & my mood is even worst. Anyway. I'm gonna stop complaining, because it's all I ever do anymore.
Make me happy<3

I hope next weekend's better.

Fun weekend(:

Shreep over with Andrea Friday night. Too bad we went to sleep at like, 8 o'clock, hahaha. & making Christofer Drew the cutest video. & drooling over Chase Coy, as well. & going to Charlotte with tha laaaadiiiies. In which the last 7 minutes of the mall, were the most disappointing 7 minutes of my entire life.
So, I'll tell you the story.
So, we'd been walking around this gigantic mall for hours. & me & Britni spotted the cutest guy, EVER. & we saw him a lot. & he was walking by himself the entire time. So I thought maybe he'd want to talk to 4 cute girls. Well, I was the only one who approached him.
He had his top lip pierced twice. LIKE THIIIIIIS.

That girl is really pretty, bytheway, haha. Anyway, I really don't know what it's called. I KNOW the right side is a Monroe, & the left side is the Madonna. I wanted to know if there was a specific name if they were done like, at the same time. Guess not. He was a total DOUCHE. I was so disappointed. Me & Britni, BOTH were. & we ranted about it for like, 15 minutes, it was funny, hahah.
Oh, man. But, yeah. Saw loads of tooties, & cute gay guys :D


I really hope Andrea's mom gets off Novermber 4th, which is a Tuesday -____-
so we can go to Greensboro to see the most amazing guy on the planet. You guessed it, our obssesion, Christofer Drew<333333333456789

I know you're dying to watch the video me & Andi made, so here's the link, wahahah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpXOSM_Bark

& I hope to meet Taylor soon(:

Just a load of thoughts.

I'm an idiot. I really am. I'm really moody all the time. It's stupid. I think too much for my own good. I think about life a lot. I think about boys a lot. I think about how much I miss my best friend. I think about how much I miss how things used to be. I know I repeat myself. But all of this is just constantly on my mind. I think about how lame I am. In almost every way, haha. I hate thinking/feeling like I'm not good enough. All the time. I'm so insecure. I hardly ever show it though. Unless it's in a group of pretty tight friends. Or I'm letting you know on here, of course. I'm a dumb ass. I wish I had the National Geographic Channel. I wish I read more. I hardly read at all anymore. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he would talk about me with his friends in the most positive, cutest way. I wish I were constantly on his mind. & vice versa. I talk to myself a lot. Not in a creepy way, but, more of inside my head. I wish I could bring myself to floss. My back molar is really annoying. Stupid dentists never put a crown on that root canal, & it's like, cutting into my tongue. I wish I had better hair. Andrea's going to hit me, if she reads that, hahaha. I wish I was just a little thinner. I wish I wasn't so paranoid about feet. I HATE THE SMELL OF JERKY. Just, everything about it, makes me gag. I make anyone who eats it stand 10 feet from me :D. I don't know why I'm just writing all of these pointless things in my mind all together. None of it goes together or makes any sense. I wish I cared more. Actually, I really do care a lot. About everything. Well, kind of. Like, I say I don't, & at the time, I really just, don't. But then I think back or whatever, & I really do care. I'm good at hiding it though. I like it that way, sometimes. I wish I had a cute hammock in my back yard to relax & read a good book. I would love that. I wish I were photogenic. I wish I could talk to a good, cute boy who didn't lead me on forever. I wish I didn't feel like shit almost all of the time. I can't stand bottling up all my emotions until I explode. Therefore, you read a lot of them on here. I'm very shy when it comes to shit like this, believe it or not. I HAAAATE repeating myself D: I don't care. It's whatever. It's MY blog! Haha. Aaaah. I wish I had better posture. I wish I weren't so lazy. I wish I didn't sleep all of the time. I wish I were older. I wish I didn't have a giant list of things I wish I did or had or just a bunch of shit like what I'm writing about. I wish I could truly be happy for once. I wish everything would go the way I wanted it for once. I wish I had my phone back. I wish I had my life back. With shows & everyone I hate in Hickory & eeeeverything. But all I really want is a cute boy to make me happy. I kinda started talking to this one boy not too long ago. I hope he can handle me ;P I hope I'm good enough. Or that I'm not even close to good enough & vice versa, but we still give it a shot & be cute. I just want to cuddle. I want him to sing me pretty songs & help me make brownies. I just want endless hours of starring into each other's eyes & giggling at nothing. I hope that's not too much to ask. Or if that sounds creepy or too sudden. Haaaha.

I wonder if people actually read my blogs instead of just Andrea or maybe Lauren. Haaaaahaaha. Suck my dick.

I'll post another one later or something. I'm pretty sleepy.
<3

Love of my liiiife.

This here, would be my husband, Joe.
He's made the cutest video about cyberbullying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbGIwCJK7FM
What I don't understand is, WHY aaaanyone would bully this gorgeous little boy. He has the most adorable British accent, not to mention the cutest boy I've ever seen.

Oh, besides that gay guy in love I found yesterday on MySpace.
Me & Andrea are gonna turn him straight. Haaaaahaha.
Oh, & that Mitchell Davis, Livelavalive guy on youtube :D
Loves of my lifeeee, haha.