You know what,

another blog, like ten minutes after I wrote that other one. I felt like it wasn't enough, & I don't wanna add to that one, because I feel like this one deserves its own. Alright. I'm gonna list the good & the bad of 2008. Hahahahahahahahahhaa.

bad:
being single forever, talking to so many pointless boys, wasting my friendship on people who don't deserve it, being way too nice, listening to music because they were cool at the time, listening to bad advice, ''drugs'', being prohibited of going to shows, the entire month of August, losing my best friend, having meaningless sex, the stupid FUCKING SCENE, losing my parents' trust, stupid people, feeling like shit, wasting my thoughts & words on the stupidest things, & assholes. Just plain ASSHOLES.
Ladies & gentlemen, a big FUCK YOU to that whole list.


good:
making new friends-TRUE friends, the only boy worth it-Jacob, remaining best friends through every&anything-Lauren Hall, having good times, this trip to Peru, living life, & not giving a FUCK.
I love my mentality this year. With everything. Or maybe I've stopped caring TOO much.
Either way, I'll find the right spot this year.



Alright. & my resolutions aren't too much or hard to do:
- losing weight.
- staying happy.
- remain not giving a fuck.
- keep the great friends, dispose of the rest.
- make new, worthy friends, as well.
- GETTING MY FUCKING CAR & license in the summer! :D
- keep a good job & get C4$h m0n3y.
- fall in love.
- having good times<3


ok, good bye ´08.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! ;]

WAH! I haven't blogged in forever ):

I'm so sorry, blogger. Hahahaha. I've just been busy. I've been in Peru since the 22nd. & something cool happened the 19th. BESIDES Andrea's birthday, haha. My relationship status has finally changed. I've been single since Christmas last year. ALMOST an entire year. Until the cutest boy, ahem, Jacob, & I started dating. & I'm extremely happyyyypypypypy. Anyway. I'm in Peru & I'm blogging. How cool am I? Tee hee. Tonight at midnight comes the new year. & I'm SO READY for 2009. A new year, a fresh start. Another year of life. True, it's just another day, but still. It's exciting. Beach house, friends, cousins, NO PARENTS, alcohol, & fireworks. Bring it the hell ON! Haha. Happy new year, everyone. I hope it's great. & that it's better than the last one.



& I miss everyone back at home.
Don't think I don't ;]

& even more of a party when I get home, because no parents for a week.
This is by far my favorite trip. & I'm gay.

Christmas is a fraud!

I had this argument with my mom yesterday. Jesus' birthday was NOT December 25th. I hope you know. It was sometime in April or May, I forgot. Anyway. So why the hell do we even have Christmas? Why don't we have cake & balloons on his actual birthday? I mean, shit, at least, right? The focus on 'Christmas' is obsession over decoration & SANTA CLAUS. Supposedly this is the time to be with family & remember his death & resurrection. But it just lures away from that, completely. Well, some families really do just get together & blah, blah, blah. But most are just... GAY. I dunno. I guess it's just what I've really come to think of this whole holiday. I think decorations are ridiculous. It MAY bring 'xmas spirit', but then it makes you view the whole thing as a joke. I guess I'm just fjfgksweiuy!^* I used to be the most sensitive person ever. Lately, I'm just so insensitive about EVERYTHING. I'm lame. Ignore me. I guess I shouldn't post my personal opinions on here. I don't want to argue with anyone. & you can't change my mind. So don't even try it. Bye.

Apparently, I'm not alive.

According to my mom. Because I don't have 'Christmas spirit'. She's been begging me to help her put up the tree & decorations, truth is, I hate decorating. Especially for Christmas. It's the most annoying thing ever. Everyone gets so obssesed with it. So, finally, I guess the family decided to put the tree up. & I just sat on the couch & watched them. & my mom's like "c'mon, Renata! Get in the Christmas mood & help!" & I was like 'shut up, fagot, I'll cut you'. Just kidding. But I just said I didn't really care for any of this & that's when my mom said 'if you don't have Christmas spirit, then you're not living'. Cool, I guess. & then, my dad forced me to download stupid Christmas music, that some stupid little group of kids in Peru sing. & he had the slightest THOUGHT that all of that sheeeiiit was going on MY iPod. Ha! Ha, I say! Actually I'm really gay. I'll go lay in some hay. Won't you stay? Come sway. I think I may. That was gay. Ok, I'm trying not to rhyme anymore. Hahaha. Anyway. AH! The ending 'ay' needs to go aw...ay. Dammit. I'm done. Bye.

& THIS IS THE CUTEST COUPLE IN THE WORLD.

I want to be themmm<3

Friday night

Yes, my usual Monday blog about what happend over the weekend! Tee hee<3

I forced everyone to listen to me play, terribly, 'Jesus in the Southern Sky' on guitar. Poor Britni. She had to record it on Andrea's camera. & poor Emma had to sit there & listen while we played & played for a billion hours straight. My poor fingers were purple by the time we were done. Apparently, everything is poor in this blog, haha. We destroyed that song, because my low e string was loose & it sounded terrible. I was sick, so my singing part was bad. We missed some parts of the song, & I messed up a couple of times, & I make stupid faces when I play, & I do a lot of stupid things. I'm just stupid, haha. &! I know you wanna see it, so here it issss!
Have a good chuckle, & then look at the original video posted below it. Greatest thing ever, I think everyone should be obsessed with it ;]



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE0mtrJW46I <---- ours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZ9ZXalCn9M <---- epic

I hate everyone

I hate everyone who thinks we have to be the most fucking mature adults, ever, by the time we're 14 & we're in the 9th grade. Fuck you. I have a life time ahead of me, to grow up. I REFUSE to have to force myself to fit anyone else's standards of living my life. I'm 15. I'm in the 11th grade. If I die tomorrow or in 30 years, I want to live my life the way I fucking want to live it. I'm sick of everyone trying to keep me down or forcing me to strive 'greater'. It's not great for me. It just makes me hate you. All of my teachers, "friends", anyone, who does this to me, don't expect me to be nice, any longer. I'm way too nice to people who don't deserve it. I'm done with all of you. This is all shit. If you don't like me or the way I wanna do me, then leave me the fuck alone. I don't need you & your shit, especially. Holy, fuck.

I wish I lived in a different era

The 60s/70s/&80s. I wish I were born in like 1951 or something. So I could be the most war-protesting, peaceful, animal/human rights protestor, LSD-doing, pot smoking person, ever. Those were the days. To live free & be young & as crazy as you can. I really would've loved all of that. The government is shit, as it has always been. Drugs were definitely more hardcore back then, & no one really cared. It was all about having good times. There wasn't as much violence either. Like, publically. I would've loved living on the road with a bunch of friends, protesting about things we really believed in & trying to set things right in the world<3 & Woodstock? 3 days of peace & music, you know me!

Thanksgiving weekend

was pretty advernterous. I went to Rhode Island to see family. Wednesday afternoon me & madre began our journey of driving for 13 hours. Along with my little brother & grandma. Which, by the way, I'm never taking a road trip with them ever again. Because they have to pee every 5 seconds & talk about the most random things. So, I pretty much drove like, 10 hours straight & only stopped to put gas in. I'm definitely road trip material. My mom wanted to stop like, every 20 minutes to sleep or eat, but I just kept going. Doing 90 on all the highways? You know me! & my permit! bahahah. Anyway. We stopped in PA, I think; at like, midnight to pee. At an AppleBee's. I almost died, because I think every cute guy & their friends decided to be there. & I looked like a monster, because I hadn't taken a break from driving & I was just a mess. Thank God they were leaving though. I really do have the worst luck in the world with unexpected tooties. So anyway. We got to my brother's house on Thanksgiving day in Providence at like 4 am, thanks to me. That day, I swear I had never seen so much food. I think I ate like, at 4 different houses. I'm ridiculous, rofl. I loved seeing my brother's & my little nephew--adorable. I also went to visit my sick great aunt. It's so sad to know that she's dying. It really does break my heart that we can't do that much more for her. Sigh. It was so good seeing family, even though I'll be seeing them all again in like, 2 weeks, because they're coming down for my grandmother's birthday on the 14th. She'll be 88. Anyway, that Friday, I went to an old best friend's house. Stephen Tartaglia. We had been best friends all through middle school & it was such an intense feeling seeing him, because I hadn't in almost 3 years. Although we might've grown apart some, it wasn't awkward at all. Then a few more friends came over & everyone looked so different. I met 2 people that day. I had talked to them a lot over MySpace & finally met. It was cool. Not as awkward as I expected, teehee. There are few more friends I would've liked to see, but I didn't keep in touch or stupid stuff got in the way, blah, blah, blah. Thennnn Saturday I hung out with my cousin. It's weird with him, because he's such a stoner & there's hardly any conversation anymore, besides dro. But I still love him. Hahah. This weekend was super fun. There's a few things I left out though. For the sake of my teachers or family reading this, muahah. I drove home last night. Traffic was absolutely insane. It was raining like, the whole time & there were so many accidents. Not to mention people can't drive, so they slowed traffic down even more. I'm so exhausted. & I'm quite sick. I saw snow, though! For the first time in a few years. As soon as we left Rhode Island, I think we were in CT or NY & it started to snow. I caught some on my tongue when we stopped to put gas in. I miss that. & the BEACH. I haven't been to the beach since I've moved here. Well, I have in Cancun, but those were on trips. Still. &! When I go to Peru for 2 weeks, I'll be at a beach house, because the climates are reversed. So, in December it'll be summer. Yum! Anyway. I enjoyed this Thanksgiving. Tell me about yours<3

Saturday

So, it didn't go as I had planned. But it was fun (: I was trying to get to the show, but I guess Jacob decided to stay home & eat dinner with his family, or something like that, hahah. But anyway, let me start from the beginning. So, I went with Madre to Hickory, early, like at 11 am. & we took Molly to Petsmart to get groomed. Did that, & in the same plaza, there's a music center, where I bought my capo :D Anyway, we went to the mall where she did Christmas shopping or something. & she bought me moccasins! MMMMM, SO WARMSZSZZZ! Hahaha. & so, I walked around the mall forever, by myself. & I think every cute boy in the WORLD decided to be there, at the exact same time. Good thing it was one of those days where you think you look good, & I was super comfy. Anyway. We went to go pick up Molly from PetSmart. I almost drooled, over the cutest boy I have EVER laid eyes on. NOT even kidding. & he smiled at me. & I think time stopped. Hahahaha. I think I melted. That's when Britni called me back. & I was petting all of the cute puppies. & he was around there, & he really did look a bit familiar. & I was going to talk to him, but before I did, Mom yelled for me to leave. I was like "NOOOOOOO" D: Well, at least I know he works there Saturdays ;D bahaha. Anyway. Mommypoo went to get her hair did, & so she gave me the car to go back home to drop off Molly, pick up Britni, & get some groceries. You know me & my legal driving! Hahaha. Then, we were off to Hickory again. No call from Jacob, so we just hung out downtown. We hung out in Tees for a bit & drank some coffee. & might I add, the coffee making boy was cute. & took a picture of me & his spoon. (I was kind of complaining, but in a jokingly way, about how my caramel macciato tasted, so he gave me a spoon to stir, because I hate stirrers.) & he was pretty cute, & blah, blah, blah. Then, we went & saw "Step Brothers". IT WAS HILARIOUS. & we were basically stranded there until midnight. We hung out in Drips, where we met some pretty alright kids. Which we hung out the rest of the night with. It was freezing, but at least my feet were warm! ;]



Currently:
I feel like total shit, because my best friend is going through the hardest times, & I can't be there for her physically, & it fucking kills me. I love you, Lauren. I hope everything works out. & I would give anything just to be there, but you know /:

Success!

I perfected how to play "Jesus In The Southern Sky". Also, I learned how to play "Not A Second To Waste", by Rocket To Then Moon! I also went through a bunch of old tabs that my old guitar teacher used to give me. I can remember how to read tabs now. Well, you know what I mean. Actually, whatever, I know what I mean. & that's all that matters.
Last night, my friend Nick tried to convince me that I wasn't real, & that his mind was the only one that exisited, & I was only part of his imagination. & I didn't think. He's gay. Haha :P
Oh, well, I don't think he reads my blogs, anyway. I don't think anyone does. Oh, well. I just want to get thoughts out of my head (:
Anyway, my entire body is sore from raking leaves. I raked for like, 7 years yesterday, haha. & I still haven't finished. Ugh. But! When I was raking, I realized that the view of the sky is best in my backyard. It was so pretty.
Yesterday, I finished reading "Of Mice & Men". I think I liked it, mostly. Except I just can't stand to read in a hick, gramatically incorrect, super Southern dialouge. It's so annoying. At least it wasn't as annoying as "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn". Hated it. I'm now reading Andrea's Africa book "A Long Way Gone". It should be good. I finished reading the book with Memma in my made up British accent! We're on book two.

I really do like reading.

Saddest thing I have ever seen.

Yesterday, I went to Wendy's, & right by the drive-thru window, was a dog. It was a bitch. It looked as if it just had puppies, because it had like, big boobies or whatever. & you could see some of her ribs. & I threw one of my french fries, so she could eat it, & she was like, scared to go near it, but then she ate it & I gave her almost all of my fries. It was the saddest thing, ever. I felt so bad. I wanted to take her home, but I wonder if she has her puppies around somewhere in the bushes or SOMETHING. So, I'm making my mom call animal control today to go rescue her, & nourish her back to health. & find her puppies. She's really shy. I felt like crying. Saddest thing of my life. Then I started thinking about homeless people. & I felt even worse.

I wish I had all the money & food in the world to help everyone in need.

)':

This weekend.

I think I've been blogging about my weekend, like, every Monday, haha. Oh, well. It's because there are new adventures! Anyway. This weekend was pretty good. Friday, Emma came over, & I wrote hate mail to Highlights magazines. My little brother had a magazine, & we decided to fool around with it, only to find that they had an impossible puzzle that neither one of us could figure out. So, I e-mailed them. It was hilarious. That night, Andrea & Thea also came over. All we could do was scream & laugh. I don't think I could sum up how much we literally rofl'd & screamed at the top of out lungs. & even if I did, you would not believe me for the world. Haha. Emma slept over, & I could not stop talking about Mr. Robbins. I have an obsession, hahaha. The next day, Britni came over. So, we went to the pretty lake in my neighborhood. It was perfect. It wasn't too cold or hot. I brought music & we were out there paddling all the way to the end of the lake. Talking the day away, or so I would've hoped. But then, I guess the owner of all of that land told us to get out ): It ruined my life. Actually, Cody ruined my life. He, along with 3 other guys stood there, yelling at us to come back to shore. I almost died, because it took us at least 20 minutes to paddle all the way out there. & there was this one realllllly cute guy. & they all stood there, & WATCHED me & Britni paddle, like idiots, on a dock. I think I almost peed my pants of embarrassment. I hate them. I'm not talking to them for a while. Then, the owner told us we couldn't be down there unless we were with Cody or John. & I find it extremely irritating to be around them all of the time. So, goodbye, beautiful lake ): Anyway. Later on, we went to the movies. I hadn't been to the movies in foreverrrrr. We saw Bolt in 3D! It was so good. Britni doesn't like animated movies, but she's glad I convinced her into coming to see this one. Oh, Rhino<3 haha. Then we got Taco Bell. We ate it in Barnes & Nobles, after reading raging lesbian books in the children's section. & my caramel macciato was perfect. She slept over. At 3 am that morning, I thought Britni was the devil. Because in that one movie "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" they said that the devil's hour is 3 am or something like that. So I freaked out & couldn't look at her for like, half an hour, hahahah. We beatboxed all night! Kellin Quinn is my HUSBAND. We had the beat down by 4:30, which is when we passed out. But by the morning, we had fogotten how to do it. I almost cried. Haha. Then I spent all Sunday with my guitar. I hadn't played in years. I quit, because I sucked & I was just really lazy. But I had been obsessing over this new song, "Jesus in the Soutehrn Sky". I'm in love with the video 'For All We Know' made. I also made Matt fall in love with it. Haha. Anyway. I found a video in which this girl teaches you how to play it step by step. Which is what I always need, because I'm so bad with chord names. So, I have almost all of the chords down, then I can play itttt. I might also mention how bad it made the tips of my fingers hurt & burn ): & It like, broke my wrist, haha. But I'm glad I'm picking up my guitar again. Because as annoying & painful as I thought it was, I miss it. I miss learning my favorite songs, or having something to do when I'm bored.


Blah, blah, blahhh. I'm in class at the moment, & I wish I could destory this computer. Making a web site is a lot more frustrating than I thought /:

I just, don't know

why I wanted to blog so bad right now. I really don't have much to say. I guess I'll tell you about my neighborhood. I thought it was dumb & full of old people. But, no. It's actually really pretty. It's got a cute lake, surrounded by a 150 foot cliff or something like that, & the pretty trees. & there's so many spots you can see it. It's so scenic. My God, it's absolutely gorgeous. There's also a little river-stream type thing, at the end of my street, at the culdesac, that runs basically throughout my whole neighborhood, at the very back, though. Anyway. There's cute little trails to follow. There's so many good spots to pick & just chill out. It could be a thinking spot. A spot you go to just calm down. A spot you go to be peaceful, with yourself, friends, the world, anything. A spot to read a good book. I'm so excited to do all of these things in the summer. I think it'd be great. & I'm thankful for Cody, neighborhood buddy, for showing me all of these cool places. The lake is really pretty at night. I went there with Cody the other night, & I just laid on the dock & stared at the stars. It was so pretty; with the moon reflecting on the lake. Aaaah, I'd go down there by myself, but it's kind of a good 15 minute walk, & it's dark & creepy out ):

Whoever you are, reading this, just know I would spend any afternoon with you, & only you, watching the sun set on this beautiful dock. Without a doubt<3

Are you always dreaming?

Have you ever had those thoughts, where you think you're dreaming? Or, let me put it better this way. Today, in the shower, I was just thinking. What if my life, everything in it, all the events, my friends, anything that ever happened, was all in my head. Like, none of it ever existed, & I just thought it all up. I think about that a lot. Sometimes, I feel so light headed, that I think I'm a puppet or something. Then I thought that since everything was in my head, what if in reality, I was some insane person who couldn't even handle eating, or something? I'm weird. Hopefully, all of this isn't in my head, & I'm alive & fully functional.

Most awkward Saturday of my life.

Alright. So, all week, I had been waiting for Dylan Gilbert on Saturday. It was supposed to be me, Emma, Britni, Andrea, & Eric. It was a good Saturday. I had gone to Andrea's at noon & spent the whole day with her. We watched August Rush & it was the cutest movie. I cried, just a little bit. Then we had a photo op with Raleigh on the roof. After I watched Andrea cute his hair, hahah (:
Anyway. I played Rock Band for the first time, too. It was fun. So then. We got all ready & walked to Britni's at 6 or so. We were waiting on Eric, in which he said Chase was coming along. Rofl. So we waited, & waited. Me & Britni 'moshed' in her room to her DVDs. Then, Andrea called Eric a hundred times, when he finally picked up, & it was already like, 7:30, aka we were supposed to be in Downtown Hickory, & we were in Lenoir. Half an hour drive, & the show was starting. We died, when he said his car was like broke down with no gas or something like that. Plans fell through. We were trying to think of different guys to hang with, & there was no one. Then Britni was texting her friend, & he was with a couple of other friends, in which I had talked to both of them on MySpace, a looong time ago. So I was like 'let's walk down there & chill, since we have nothing else to do.' Which was the biggest mistake of my life. Hahahaha. They were with their girlfriends. & it was so awkward. No one talked to me, but all of two seconds the entire time. & that was because they liked my necklace, & one of the girls had it tattooed on her chest. Blah, blah, blahhhh. We went to McDonalds. Good ole' Mickey D's. Got food. Sat down. They were all cracking insiders, while me, Britni, & Andi sat at another table, next to them, of course, but like, no interaction. I could have had a heart attack, & no one would have noticed. Hahaha. So we decided to get up & leave, because our lives had been ruined enough. So, since no one really knew me there, I was like 'uh, we're just gonna leave, 'cause this is super awkward, so uhhhh...' Me, being a dumb ass, thinking everyone has common courtesy; I thought someone would be cool & nice enough to be like 'oh, stay & we'll not be awkward & talk to you & get to know you'. Some shit like that. But no. No one spoke. & we left. I almost peed my pants in embarrassment. I don't care, though. It's whatever. I was up for meeting new people, but I guess they weren't. Anyway. We walked around Downtown Lenoir, which I had never been to, so it was like a little tour. It was nice, but it was freeeeezing! Anyway, my Saturday was ruined, but I liked it when it was just the girls (: Oh. Minus Emma, because she was with her boyfriend -___- Haha :P


Anyway.
I conclude with this, that I may be the most awkward person in the world, but other people are GAY. Gay, I say! Gay, gay, gay. Hahaha. Just kidding. Well, kind of. Blahhhh, people should be nicer, & have that warm welcoming feeling. Including myself. Ah, whatever. I have to pee.

Hahaha, people are gaaaaaayzorrrrzz

People talk too much. Especially about politics. I was about to either cry, or punch everyone in the face this morning. For about the past three months, all you ever heard was 'Obama this, & McCain that.' Shut up. Just shut up. No one cares, Barack won. Well, I shouldn't say that. We should all care about our economy some what, & definitely our future. But it's people, that aren't even old enough to VOTE, are ranting on & on about shite they haven't the slightest idea what they're talking about. & that just makes me wanna pee all over them. Not gonna lie. Hahah. Aaaah. "I like my presidential candidate just like I like my chocolate." Andrea's hilarious. Anyway. People are like, CRYING that McCain lost. Idiots. & the whole office is democrat this year, haha, I lalalalooooove it. Kill me. I should have worn my Obama sticker today. On my FOREHEAD. Although I do have this snazzy photo of me & my bff Barack. No biggie ;]

WHAT IT ISSSSSSS, ERR'BODY!?

We're cute, we know this. We go waaaaay back. Barack loves me. Hahahahahaha. You love this picture, I just know it. Bye.

I hate Greensboro, North Carolina!

Mostly, I hate Christofer Drew & HelloGoodbye for having a show today, on a stupid Tuesday. ON ELECTION DAY. Idiots. & Friday, Bayside & Valencia. I really only care about Christofer Drew & Bayside, though. Both in Greensboro. I give Bayside a little more whatever though, because it's at least on a Friday. But it's still in Greensboro. Why not Charlotte!? A tiny bit closer. Still. I wish I lived closer. I can't wait to obtain my license & a car. THEN I CAN DRIVE TO GREENSBORO! Until then, it just ruins my life & makes me wanna cry D:


Anyway.
Vote Obama!
Bye<3

Paranoid.

About ghosts. Jacob & Andrea ruined my life last night. We were laying in a hammock outside, with a blanket. When it was my bright idea to tell scary stories, except that I had none. So then Jacob starts telling like, real-ass ghost experiences. & Andi did, too. I almost peed my pants. I hate shit like that. I'm such a nervous/paranoid person, especially when it comes to shit like this. They tried showing me videos with ghosts. I just can't bring myself to watch them. I just can't. So, when I got home, I just laid in bed & slept. I was too scared to do anything else. & I made my little brother sleep with me, for my parents were out partying. Raleigh said he would protect me, but I haven't seen him pacing my house with a flashlight anywhere D:< haha. Anyway. This weekend was nice. Friday, I handed out candy in pajamas, bare foot, in Eric's beanie, which I still haven't returned & his ears are cold /: Then Britni & Andrea came over & we went to a bonfire with a couple of guys from my neighborhood, who ride my bus. That's where my old assistant principal was hanging there & he SERVED ME FOOD. I was like 'I'm telling everyone at South'. hahahah. Then we rented Saw 1, 2, & 3, for I had never seen them. We wanted to watch them that night, when the DVD player downstairs decided not to play. So we ended up chatting the night away for 5 hours till about 4:30 am. It was nice. We fell asleep on the couch. That's when I awoke to my little brother watching TV at 10. I was about to punch him in the head, for waking us up. So then, since we didn't watch the movies last night, we watched them yesterday morn. I was so disappointed. I've heard the Saw movies were the greatest thing ever. I laughed at most of them. Although some parts did get me. Number 3 was my favorite. I have yet to see 4 &5. After that, we went to Thea's birthday/Halloween party around 8. & that's when the whole ghost thing happened. It was also the first time me & Jacob met/hung out. Well we had met a couple of other times, I suppose, but it's whatever. Today, I woke up at 8:30. Peed. & continued sleeping till about 2. My parents still weren't home from the night before. So I read a book Andrea had given me to read. I'm more than half way through it, & it's very confusing. It has like a thousand characters. I can't keep up with who is who, mainly because it doesn't tell you at all. It's so random. I hope to finish & understand it by tomorrow.


So, overall this weekend was good. I'm happy.
I'm actually not talking to any guys right now.
& it feels right.

I'm fine.

"I'm trying to create something that's not there. A spark I saw. A bomb is really just a means to an end. I was just so happy to be out of my shell again, don't think that I really cared for who or what. So for now I'll just have to keep it shut."

I feel fine, lately. I don't know why, because nothing has changed, or anything. I listen to Bayside a lot more than I should, hahah. I'm very tired, as usual. I still really do miss everyone I used to talk to. I talked to so many people, I can't even remember half of them, haaaa. End of the year is coming soon. I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready for a fresh start. Hey! I can write a song :P
I did write a song, though. For Lauren (: I don't know when I'll write the music for it, since I suck & haven't played my guitar in forever.
I'm really excited to go to Peru in December/January. I haven't seen that side of the family in a while. I miss them. I can't wait to tell my cousins stories about my life & how I've learned from my mistakes & how I'm getting better & changing for myself. This is good. I love shit like this. I'm really, really, really hungry. & I should be working on this assignment in class. But I just felt like I had to take a good 20 minutes or so to write this blog. For if not now, I'd never write this, & get these thoughts from my head onto the screen. I like this much better than having a journal or whatever. Journals are so annoying. I remember having a couple in like, middle school or so. I'd write about stupid things, like boys. All the time. & drama. Haaaahaha, those were the daaaaays :P
Anyway. I hope to meet a boy soon. Just for me. But you all already knew that. Kill meeee, I'm so shreepy. Oh, yeah. That's all that ever seems to come out of my mouth anymore. That, & "I hate my life". I say it jokingly. But I think I mean it sometimes. But I don't think so. I don't know. I have the biggest bags under my eyes. & this green scarf wrapped around my neck is actually keeping me quite warm while I'm listening to Emmure. Bahaha, you thought I was gonna say something sweet to go along with the image I just left you with, right? Something like Christofer Drew or Chase Coy. Haha. I've read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower way too many times. I'm currently reading it again for about the 10th time or so. I read it every once in a while to make me think about life & certain things a little bit more clearly, or something along those lines. I love you. Whoever you are, reading this. Just know that. God, I'm creepy.

"The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most. So I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds & I doubt you'll even know the easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else. & I've been tricked for so long by you that I spent these last few months in my own hell. A failed apology; a day too late. But now I see, that all you really want's to see me dangle neck first from a tree. But what would you need me for? You've got friends galore. & all you've ever be to me is a stupid, lying excuse for a person."

worst weekend.

I would say ever, but I guarantee myself, that there'll be worst weekends to come.
anyway, I did nothing Friday night. Because I felt like shit.
I've had my period all weekend, bytheway.
Saturday, I was pretty much stood up, completely. Without anything being said, no excuse, nothing. Not even afterwards. That's the part that pissed me off. It's whatever. Don't care.
I'll update this whenever, you know. I get a message. All I want/expecting.
Partied Saturday night until 4:30 a.m. Mommy's surprise birthday party(:
Which was a drag. All night I cramped. Then, everyone around me was drinking.
And if you didn't know, last party with me drinking, involved some hard core life ruining experiences. So, I was a good girl. & turned down at least 15 drinks. & that made me feel bad. Thinking, anyway. So I slept a good while. Cuddled with a puppy & was warm on a sofa. Got to drive everyone's drunken ass home, hooray. Today, cooked some & baked a cake for mama. & there's currently some family friends over. All day felt like poop. I'm about to go lock myself my room & read. I've realized how much I really do want a boyfriend. Well, I've been realizing. But, yeah. I want one for real. I don't want to be lead on any longer. As is every other case of guys talking to me. I hate it. Most importantly, my time is completely wasted. & my mood is even worst. Anyway. I'm gonna stop complaining, because it's all I ever do anymore.
Make me happy<3

I hope next weekend's better.

Fun weekend(:

Shreep over with Andrea Friday night. Too bad we went to sleep at like, 8 o'clock, hahaha. & making Christofer Drew the cutest video. & drooling over Chase Coy, as well. & going to Charlotte with tha laaaadiiiies. In which the last 7 minutes of the mall, were the most disappointing 7 minutes of my entire life.
So, I'll tell you the story.
So, we'd been walking around this gigantic mall for hours. & me & Britni spotted the cutest guy, EVER. & we saw him a lot. & he was walking by himself the entire time. So I thought maybe he'd want to talk to 4 cute girls. Well, I was the only one who approached him.
He had his top lip pierced twice. LIKE THIIIIIIS.

That girl is really pretty, bytheway, haha. Anyway, I really don't know what it's called. I KNOW the right side is a Monroe, & the left side is the Madonna. I wanted to know if there was a specific name if they were done like, at the same time. Guess not. He was a total DOUCHE. I was so disappointed. Me & Britni, BOTH were. & we ranted about it for like, 15 minutes, it was funny, hahah.
Oh, man. But, yeah. Saw loads of tooties, & cute gay guys :D


I really hope Andrea's mom gets off Novermber 4th, which is a Tuesday -____-
so we can go to Greensboro to see the most amazing guy on the planet. You guessed it, our obssesion, Christofer Drew<333333333456789

I know you're dying to watch the video me & Andi made, so here's the link, wahahah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpXOSM_Bark

& I hope to meet Taylor soon(:

Just a load of thoughts.

I'm an idiot. I really am. I'm really moody all the time. It's stupid. I think too much for my own good. I think about life a lot. I think about boys a lot. I think about how much I miss my best friend. I think about how much I miss how things used to be. I know I repeat myself. But all of this is just constantly on my mind. I think about how lame I am. In almost every way, haha. I hate thinking/feeling like I'm not good enough. All the time. I'm so insecure. I hardly ever show it though. Unless it's in a group of pretty tight friends. Or I'm letting you know on here, of course. I'm a dumb ass. I wish I had the National Geographic Channel. I wish I read more. I hardly read at all anymore. I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he would talk about me with his friends in the most positive, cutest way. I wish I were constantly on his mind. & vice versa. I talk to myself a lot. Not in a creepy way, but, more of inside my head. I wish I could bring myself to floss. My back molar is really annoying. Stupid dentists never put a crown on that root canal, & it's like, cutting into my tongue. I wish I had better hair. Andrea's going to hit me, if she reads that, hahaha. I wish I was just a little thinner. I wish I wasn't so paranoid about feet. I HATE THE SMELL OF JERKY. Just, everything about it, makes me gag. I make anyone who eats it stand 10 feet from me :D. I don't know why I'm just writing all of these pointless things in my mind all together. None of it goes together or makes any sense. I wish I cared more. Actually, I really do care a lot. About everything. Well, kind of. Like, I say I don't, & at the time, I really just, don't. But then I think back or whatever, & I really do care. I'm good at hiding it though. I like it that way, sometimes. I wish I had a cute hammock in my back yard to relax & read a good book. I would love that. I wish I were photogenic. I wish I could talk to a good, cute boy who didn't lead me on forever. I wish I didn't feel like shit almost all of the time. I can't stand bottling up all my emotions until I explode. Therefore, you read a lot of them on here. I'm very shy when it comes to shit like this, believe it or not. I HAAAATE repeating myself D: I don't care. It's whatever. It's MY blog! Haha. Aaaah. I wish I had better posture. I wish I weren't so lazy. I wish I didn't sleep all of the time. I wish I were older. I wish I didn't have a giant list of things I wish I did or had or just a bunch of shit like what I'm writing about. I wish I could truly be happy for once. I wish everything would go the way I wanted it for once. I wish I had my phone back. I wish I had my life back. With shows & everyone I hate in Hickory & eeeeverything. But all I really want is a cute boy to make me happy. I kinda started talking to this one boy not too long ago. I hope he can handle me ;P I hope I'm good enough. Or that I'm not even close to good enough & vice versa, but we still give it a shot & be cute. I just want to cuddle. I want him to sing me pretty songs & help me make brownies. I just want endless hours of starring into each other's eyes & giggling at nothing. I hope that's not too much to ask. Or if that sounds creepy or too sudden. Haaaha.

I wonder if people actually read my blogs instead of just Andrea or maybe Lauren. Haaaaahaaha. Suck my dick.

I'll post another one later or something. I'm pretty sleepy.
<3

Love of my liiiife.

This here, would be my husband, Joe.
He's made the cutest video about cyberbullying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbGIwCJK7FM
What I don't understand is, WHY aaaanyone would bully this gorgeous little boy. He has the most adorable British accent, not to mention the cutest boy I've ever seen.

Oh, besides that gay guy in love I found yesterday on MySpace.
Me & Andrea are gonna turn him straight. Haaaaahaha.
Oh, & that Mitchell Davis, Livelavalive guy on youtube :D
Loves of my lifeeee, haha.

Cutest thing ever happened today.

So, we were on our way to lunch, when we spotted a cute boy sitting in the back of a van, sitting criss-crossed, with no shoes & a hundred ankle bracelets, playing guitar. He had a grizzly beard & long, curly hair. So me, Emma, & Britni walked over there, telling him to serenade us :D
Pfft, Andrea was no where in sight. She had a meeting, & at that very moment had gone across the street to eat Arby's. What a loser. Missed the greatest part of the daaaay. Anyway, he started playing a song he had written. We sat down & started swaying. Then Mr. Robbins just had to ruin our lives! He walked up behind us & told us to go to lunch :l
Just as we were getting up, HATBOY walks to van from class. I almost started foaming out the mouth. The ooooonly thing not super cute about Hatboy was his braces /:
Told Hippie boy we'd be back to listen to him play same place, same time tomorrow.
Hopefully he'll be there (: & maybe Andi FINALLY won't miss tooties. Because she always does. It's ridic.


Good day(:

I think I'm getting sick.

Or maybe it's just allergies.
Either way, I feel like ripping off my nose.
/:

Today.

I don't know why I feel so terrible.
I miss how things used to be.
I miss seeing my best friends.
I miss going to shows almost every weekend.
I miss seeing people, friends, strangers, acquaintances, etc.
I miss my parents' trust.
I miss them not freaking out at me every time I went somewhere.
I miss being totally comfortable around them.
I miss my phone.
I miss texting.
I miss having a boyfriend. Or being in love, for that matter.
I miss talking to some people. I hate it when people just randomly stop talking to you.
For no reason. It makes me feel bad.

I hate feeling like this.
Like I'm disappointing someone with everything I do.
I feel angry. Disgusted. Disappointed with myself.
I try my best not to do anything wrong anymore.
But even if I have a bad thought I feel like I'm disappointing GOD.
It's ridiculous. I can't do this anymore. I feel so unhappy.
Andrea says I need a new 'baby-daddy'.
I think she's probably right.

My heart & my mind feel completely useless.





By the way, it's Britni's birthday today.
I brought her a cupcake.
It's Emma's tomorrow & I will bring her one, as well.
& I think this is actually my first serious blog.


Lambs.

WHAT THE CRAAAAAAP.

So, apparently, my blog was spam for the past few days.
Almost got deleted. I almost peed my pants.

Thanks, Blogger.
Thanks.

Williamsburg, VA!

I went this past labor day weekendddd.
It was fun. First day, we went to Colonial Williamsburg.
I must admit, I was super excited.
It was a cute, small, ancient town.
Took a bunch of picturrrres!
Adooooorable.
There was even a marching band parade thingy.
& I went to a little show. It was a re-enactment of a court case on a witch trial. Awesome.
Then the second day, we went to Busch Gardens! I actually HATE roller coasters, so it was pretty much a waste of $$$. I did go on some stuff, but not like, roller coasters. They looked pretty insane. My dad was like, the only one that went on them. Psycho. I just CAN'T bring myself to even get in line to get on them. Oh, nooooo. Too much tension. I just hate the feeling. I can do speed, just not heights. I suck, I know. Anyway, while I was there, I saw at LEAST 40 bangin' guys. Yummmm. Best part ;] hehe. I also got this bangin' shirt that I'm wearing right now. I like it. A lot.

Well, bye.