I am drowning

there is no sight of land.
you are coming down with me.
hand in unlovable hand.
i hope you die.
i hope we both die.

I am so scared that Jacob will want to sing that Mountain Goats song to me one day.

so, blogger, I've forgotten about you.
I dunno if it's the damn weather or something, but I've been so emotional. It's most likely my period, but I couldn't help it anyway. I made what I thought was the greatest CD ever the other day. It turned out to be a very sad CD. Sad songs. Sad songs that I listen to on the drive home from work & almost cry.
I think I need to make a new CD.

I hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us.
I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us.
I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight
& I hope we hang on past the last exit, I hope it's already too late
& I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here, someday burns down
& I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away, & I never come back to this town again in my life
I hope I lie, & tell everyone you were a good wife

& I hope you die, I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow, I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises, we're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
& I hope you blink before I do
& I hope I never get sober
& I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good thing to say
&I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out , you'd stay the hell out of my way

I am drowning, there is no sign of land,
you are coming down with me,
hand in unlovable hand

& I hope you die, I hope we both die

I hate how

I don't blog regularly. Nothing that interesting has happened, but I'll start from when I can remember. Ahem. Jacob is officially a Marine today. I'm so proud that he's made it this far. I'm also terrified that he's gonna pick an extreme 'macho man' job & get himself killed. I graduate in 2 days, & I need to write my speech tomorrow morning, early, bring it to Mr. Beane to be approved, & do a million other things. I'm always out of money, surprise. You shut up, Lauren, haha. I went to the optometrist today, WHERE THEY BLINDED ME! Seriously, they made my pupils dilate for like 2 hours straight, it was awful. I'm getting glasses; I've been wearing Jacob's glasses for like the past week & everyone made fun of me, whatever. I'm so gay. I'm gay for missing Jacob, even though I saw him today, but it was only for like 10 minutes. Errgh. I'm stupid for running today, when I didn't use my inhaler before hand, which is what I'm supposed to do. I almost passed out because my chest tightened up so much. I think the tumor in my right breast is getting bigger, I hope it's nothing serious. Saturday, the journey begins. The journey begins as a high school graduate. The journey begins as an adult (sort of). The journey begins with my best friends on a sweet mini vacation to Fontana, & I'm so excited. I seriously need to register for my FAFSA. FUCK. I want to zumba with Lauren. I can't wait for Hickory Alive to start. I always say that, & when it finally gets here, I hate every second of it. It reminds me of the person I used to be, & I miss it & I'm disgusted with it at the same time. My eye doctor told me my eyes were shaped like little footballs. What the hell is that? I need sleep. I need a shower. I need to be with my boyfriend. OH, ALSO, EVERYONE I WORK WITH, MY "WORK FAMILY" HATES ME BECAUSE THEY CAN'T COME TO MY GRADUATION. Nah, I like the people I work with. I hate it when I'm closing with all the managers/in training, because I always have to do everything. I'm so sick of complaining. I'm so sick of complaining, that I'm complaining about complaining, never ending. Whatever. This blog is so drawn out, I'm going to stop.
Until next time, blogger.

I'm so

obsessed with COACH BAGS! but theyare so damn expensive.
I'm trying ebay... but dammit, ebay is so daflskjfl.
next paycheck, if I barely spend any money now, & I'm good on everything, I'm getting one.
Don't care.

oh my.

funniest thing today:
http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2010/04/14

apparently

I missed going to the self defense class. But I had to work, soooo...
basically, all I missed was Bobby Hill kicking boys in the balls & saying 'that's my purse!'
also, you can use your nose as a rape whistle.

Getting paid at midnight! I'm starting to be a lot more conservative with my money, which means noooot a lot of fast food, and more fruits & veggies. & special k, because I think I'm gonna start that diet again. & exercise. yesterday, they l et me off work early, because I got there early & WE WERE SO SLOWWWWWWW. I hate that. So I went to Redwood & ran 2 miles & a half.
My legs aren't as sore as I though they would be.
i have to finish my paper today, because it's due tomorrow, & guess what?
I'm blogging instead! no. I'm writing it on Once Upon A Child! hahaha. whatevs. I'm obsessed with where I work :p

runny noses

my nose. is runny. i think i won't use the shift button to capitalize the right words today. because i don't feel like it. i have to study a bunch for 2 quizes at the same time today. i have to work 8 & a half hours tomorrow because i'm nice. i have to work from 10:30 to 4:30 friday because i'm nice and i feel bad. but i don't have to work saturday! but i do have to study a thousand times. and sunday. seriously, this weekend is dedicated to my big ol' book and my study group. no jacob, no friends, no family, no toilet. nothing! i feel so weird blogging at school nowadays. i feel like people are making fun of me for blogging and not doing any work. or something. haha. whatevs. i cannooooot wait until wednesday, when i am done with school! for the most part. success 101 can suck my dick. i am not doing any assignments until tuesday. so i have to catch up like 10 assignments. help. everyone at work thinks i'm whiny. i really don't give a damn, i honestly hate everyone there. varie is awesome/my grandma, and heather and deanna and angela and lauren are people i like. and traci. and yaros and eleane. but of course, only lauren would know what i'm talking about because she knows those people too. summer is almost here i can feel it. tis the season to be lazy as fuck, but exercise, hang out with frans and boyfran, and work. and go camping and to the beach! also, all of my ideas are run together, i'm not putting any spaces in between. i've had no money for like the past week & a half & it's been awful. but no fast foodie, so that's good. i'm also starting my diet & exercising again tuesday, because i have no more anatomy to rule my life anymore. i can actually function properly again. but i miss my friends, & i want to go out to dinner in pretty dresses & pretend it's my birthday so waiters can sing to me. & i don't want that freaky girl there, because i'm there now :p
bye.

everything hurts!

My legs, mostly my shins hurt from walking all those miles with Jacob. Yesterday at work was awful, I had to lift like 30 pound totes; 5 of them. So this morning, my lower back felt like a statue. I brought my laptop to school so Clint can hoooopefuly fix it. *fingers crossed*
Today I will be spending all day at the computer lab, because I have to write at least 5 pages on Children Beauty Pageants. Waaaa :(
Then I go to work, hopefully it won't suck as much cause we got a lot of it done yesterday & the morning crew will get most of it.
Man, this morning I woke up & I was just so happy. I looked up at one of those photo strips you get done at the mall that I had with Jacob & I just smiled sooo much, I think I even hopped up & smiled. I love that boy.
Tomorrow I want to go running with Britni, after I go to the doctor's. & then I wanna get my nails did with her! ;D
My pay check tomorrow is going to be a joke. I missed a week of work D:

blahblahblah, bye.

Worst blogger award goes to...

ME! I don't blog like I used to :l
I never have time. & i'm always tired.
First things first, the vacation was awesome. I've been dizzy for about 3 days though.
I went to Disney world & got a bunch of princesses autographssss, it was cool.
I have to go to the hospital Friday to get my boob checked out. It was a totaly slap in da face when I got back from vacation & had to work the next day. I didn't go to school because I had to go to court (which sucked). I do have a paper that I basically haven't started yet due Monday, along with an A&P test, so I'm gonna kill myself.
Last night I walked 9 miles with Jacob. I'm such a baby though, because I freaked out when it got dark & we still had like 3 more miles to do :/ whatever.
I have to work today.
OH & my friends replaced me with Bex? during their awesome camping trip. awesome.
I understand though, you had to bring a person so it wouldn't be uneven :p
I WANT TO GO CAMPING! *pouts*

A few more weeks of school!
Got my cap & gown yesterday.
I wish I wasn't so busy.

the cist that ate new york

according to my doctor. I have a 7 cm long accumulated mass in my right boob. maybe that's why it's always been bigger. Anyway, I doubt it's malignant. & when they weighed me, I was 20 pounds less. so there's good & bad news.

I really need to start working on my anatomy project. blogger, you're in the way!
I'm going on vacation Saturday till next Sunday. I'm kind of excited. When my pay check goes in at midnight tonight, I need to get to shopping! I just need a bathing suit. & some flip flops.
:D cruise, here I come.

I just don't really have that much to talk about.
So... bye.

Prom was interesting.

It wasn't as good as last year (the actual prom). But everything else was a thousand times better. Dinner was yummy, the limo didn't break down like Jacob's car last year haha. & I had all my girls with me, looking like princess' & our fine dates to match us :D

Regardless of how everything went, I'm glad to have been there & enjoyed everything:)
I apologized to everyone because on 5 hours of sleep from the night before, & freezing in a car on Blue-Ridge Parkway for hours with creepy people smoking pot in their car/creepy noises the wind made, I was not the happiest camper. & I got sick from all the cold air, too. But it's all good.
Oh yeah, not to mention I got 4 hours of sleep after prom at home, & I had to wake up & immediately rush to Barnes & Nobles to study for a test with my study group. & then go home, do extra credit & be with Jacob, & then to stay up till midnight watching 'Fatal Attractions' on Animal Planet (SUPER interesting) & wake up at 6 to cram before a test a 7:30. Kill. Me. Right?
I think I enjoyed the whole princess prom experience, & my bank account has litterally $0 in it. Why me. I'm glad I get payed this week, but seriously, until then, I don't even have money to put gas in my car. So... I'm awesome.

Just kill meeee.
Also, I love my nails, & I think I'm gonna start 'doing them' more often. I just like french tips. Oh, & all natural nail of course-o.
I'm so creepy. No. Actually everyone else is creepy.
Yeah.

free credit report.

I don't know why, but all those commercial songs have been playing in my head for the past 20 minutes.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Jacob left a little bit ago, & I miss him. I'm working on being nicer & more respectful. God knows I'm not, to anyone. & that really has to change. So it started today.
I made cookies & they were so fucking great. I haven't jogged since Friday. & that needs to change tomorrow! I so badly want to go on a picnic. Cute summer dressed with my girls... & our dogs, yeah? :D
that would be so cute. I would obviously bring Molly so Rico doesn't devour the rest of the tiny dogs. I dunno though; Molly's pretty mean.
Anyway. Prom is this weekend & I couldn't be more excited. I got my jewelry & it looks so cute & matches my dress perfectly. I still need to get those darn shoes. & when I went Friday, the straps were too loose! So she's fixing that. Hopefully, when I go again Thursday, everything's ready. If not, I'm going to pitch a fucking fit & have to find shoes last minute. I do love the lady that runs the shop though, so I don't think I could throw a fit in the store.

I need to stop blogging & do some laundry!
& make reservations at Wild Wok!

I'm still sick

I've been sick for like the past week. & it's not like deathly sick, obv, cause I'm still doing the same shit I always do. Yesterday, I made Molly jog 2 miles with me. Haha, I think I almost killed her. Which is no laughing matter! I'm jogging at least 2 miles everyday, which is nice knowing that I'm not a couch potato & I'm being healthy. Also, I started back on my Special K diet. I was off of it for like a week straight, & I feel awful. I think I gained all that weight back :l
Seriously, I'm gonna be so strict on my diet & exercise from now on.
I had a dream last night that I was punching this creepy guy over & over again in the face. Maybe it was that creepy guy outside of Lauren's house. I really need to stop being a bitch. It's not so much that I AM a bitch it's that I've been in pissed off moods lately. Not so much when I'm in a large group, but when I'm alone or with one person. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I really need to work on this paper about Divorce. I think it's due Monday & I basically don't have anything.
Tomorrow, Jacob & I are gonna go sign the contract for the limo for prom. I'm pretty excited. & then my brother comes to visit & it's just nice :) Getting my shoes & jewlery Friday! Also, the corsage & bootineerssssssss hopefully. Prom is next weekend. There's no time for anything. Everyone has to have their shit all ready to go by this weekend.

I want to be an animal cop!

Dude,

I'm so excited for prom.I'm pretty stressed. I'm going to pick up my coach purse from the postal service tomorrow. I need to exercise. I need to eat healthier & lose some dame weight. & that is totally my goal for this summer. My brother & his girlfriend are coming to visit for the weekend. I'm excited, cause she's getting ready to graduate & have her bachelor's as an RN & I can ask her questions & all that stuff. I just made a check list for prom, & I only have like 2 things crossed off from 11 D: Gonna make a CD for the liiiimooooooo :D Emma & I came up with the best plan, & you guys won't know it till March 27th. I'm so stoked, I hope everything works out. Basically, all I can talk about is prom.
The other night, I went out with a few girls from my anatomy group. & we actually didn't study our brains till they exploded. We had dinner at Fatz, & went & saw Alice In Wonderland, which was OK, it wasn't the worst movie ever, but it really wasn't what I expected. I kinda like how they put their own touch to the story, but it was all very confusing. Anyway, I'm no film director.
I need to work on my attitude, BIG TIME. I just need to be respectful, & I'm really not, to anyone, especially to the people that I need to be most. I hope they forgive me & I'm really trying to get better at it.
After prom, my focus needs to be all on school. I need to do well. I'm already going to be missing 3 days for sure, because the college is fucking STUPID for splitting up spring break.
This summer should be pretty kick ass. Graduating, working, beach, with my girls, with my boyfriend. OH BUT ANATOMY RUINS IT! Sort of. I really like anatomy. I hope I can get at least a B this time around. & I'm pretty confident that I will, because my teacher I get this time, isn't a complete dumb fuck.

I can never do anything! I have a paper to write, I have no idea when it's due, I need a rough draft for tomorrow, buuuut I have no idea. Whatever. Bye.

10 days

IT HAS BEEN 10 DAYS SINCE I'VE BLOGGED.

Let's start off with the most recent, because I don't remember anything else. Yesterday, I was randomly crossed off the schedule for work, but I'm so glad. I had only one class, which ended at 10, in which I went to the library to read & wait on Brittany. It was a Brittany day. We went to drop off her little car to get fixed, & walk around the little pet store downtown granite:)
I dropped her off for one more class, then to pick her up to go jogging! We went to the walking park in Lenoir (where we'll go to take prom pictures!) & walked/jogged 6 laps= 2.60 miles. Sprinting the last little bit was an awful idea. My knees are dying. We then went to Rue 21, because I basically live there, but only when I'm with Brittany. After looking through underwear piles, I bought an anklet & sunglasses:)
Made her get dressed in the car twice, then dropped her off at art.
I went to Hildebran & paid the rest of my dress off & brought it home! When I took it home, it seriously took up the whole back seat. I met Jacob at the movies & we watched The Crazies. I'm such a big pussy. My eyes were covered whenever there was scary music on. But it was good.
Today! Friday, my knees are still dead, they're starting to feel better though. Hung out with Jacob & we're both looking gooood! I WOULD LIKE TO SAY JUST ONE THING. I DUG OUT OLD SHORTS FROM ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS SIZE 11 IN PANTS, & THEY FUCKING FIT! A teeny bit tight, but they fit! I'm so excited. I think that if I jog everyday & eat OK, I'll be fine & look the way I want to. I want to live in summer dresses & Bermuda shorts this Summer.

I'm really excited for prom. It's only a few weeks away! Limoooo, friendsss, princess!

I'm still sort of on my Speacial K diet, as I have been for the past two months, but I've been on & off the past few days. Starting Monday though, with proper exercise everyday, I'm hoping to slim a little quicker.

The only channels I can ever watch is TLC & Animal Planet.

I'm pretty happy with this past paycheck, in which I'm ordering a Coach purse, my very first.
Usually, these purses run anywhere from $500-800. Absolutely ridiculous. But Deanna discovered this site that ships directly from China, & well, I can't wait. $50, amazing.

All I want to do it buy a couple's necklace. Like, cute necklaces for me & Jacob. Like puzzle pieces that fit together or a boy & a girl. I just think that's so cute.

Today, my Anatomy study group couldn't stop looking at vaginas in the book & talking about hermaphrodites.

I'm getting assignments done tonight, so surprise, I'm home all Friday night.
I need to get my eyebrows done! I need to look for shoes for my dress, & jewelery & look at hair styles & all that junk.

Bye.

I am so annoyed

this new shop manager on LA Ink to begin with. She is so cocky & she wants to take over the world. I've broken 5 nails this week. 4 at work, & one today. That's a whole hand. That's a nail per day. WHAT THE HELL. MY entire body is sore. My hips have hurt at work all day today. I jogged a mile & a half today & fast walked the other mile & a half. That makes it 3 miles in 45 minutes. I think that's the most I've walked in one working out-period. I'm so proud. I think I'm making progress. My favorite jeans that I wear everyday are looking big. I need to poke another hole in my belt next to the other one I've already poked. I'm eating way better than ever, & I'm just doing great. I can't loose too much weight, because my dress is bought. Good thing it's a corsette & I can tighten it as much as I need to. I highly doubt I'll loose that much weight in a month, but who knows. Basically, Jacob is going to the Marines. The position the Officers & himself have picked is pretty dangerous. I'm extremely scared. I don't think anyone understands. Jacob is my ideal man that I want to be with for the rest of my days. & I'm honestly serious 100% sure about that. I'm just terrified.
I think I just found a new show to watch. Police Women of Maricopa County's looking pretty good.
There are so many things going on in my head. Scool & Jacob are #1.
My family hates me, because I'm never home & I don't spend any time with anyone.
I've been seeing so many signs telling me that I need to start going to church. I'm sure there have been signs, but I haven't been paying attention. But slowly, my mind has been so crowded, it's been so clear. I have no idea what I'm saying.

Tomorrow! I am going tuxedo shopping with Jacob & his mom :D
I'm so 'cited. Probably getting my shoes too, maybe paying for the rest of my dress, whatevs, that's on my momma.
I really should spend anymore money, till my next pay check. Which the next couple should be pretty good, since they've put me for Sundays. & they never do. Whatever though.

I just saw a Military commercial. I just hope everything works out. All of my faith is in God. He has a plan for everything, he knows what he's doing, I just hope my plans & his plans are on the same path :l

I'm so tired. good night.

I am SO MOODY!

You have no idea. I went from like super excited, to furious, to being sorry for everything, to being super duper happy & glad, & then to feeling bad a little, & then feeling absolutely great right now:)

Today was just awesome; for the most part.
Went to school. Emma & I took Molly & Rico to Petsmart to get groomed!
Went prom dress shopping, dropped her off, made Jacob bring Fernando to Hickory to get his glasses. Jacob had "to go". Andrea & Britni & I went prom dress shopping some more!
Made a $100 down payment on my dress, which is perfect! Went Downtown Hickory to watch a movie, New Moon was playing & we all screamed & watched that. Britni & I are Team Jacob for sure. Andrea is the oddball :p
Went & dined at Applebee's. & the whole dinner was good because we just talked about life.
I'm so glad I have these girls as my best friends, & I'm glad they're just in my life in general.

Most of all, I'm glad my friends/boyfriend can stand me.
Because I would hate me if I met me, I've decided. I'm an awful bitch, & I laugh way too loud.
But I'm loved either way.
so thanks:)
you guys really make the difference.
I'm really happy<3

oooooo

"The mountain is an ancient heraldic symbol of steadfastness."

:)

Weird dreams

I only remember 2. I was driving & Fernando kept screaming, & I was like "noooo there's a dormant bee in the vent!" & it came out & it was the size of my fist. I think I almost threw up for real. Another one, I met Buddy from Cake Boss. I was so like "fkhsakjfhsw!!!!!!!" & I was really happy. Then Emma, Britni, & Tiffany were there. Buddy kept trying to make a big cake & Tiffany thought it was a pool & she kept trying to swim in flour & sugar or something. & I got really mad. But Buddy said it was okay & had security take her out. Sorry, Tiffany, I don't control my dreams. then Buddy & I high-fived & I watched him make a cake. I would've offered to help, but let's face it, I'm no expert cake maker.

I just can't stop watching Cake Boss!

Today

was so amazing.
I went to Boone with Jacob & just drove forever. The scenery was so beautiful.
It was just perfect.


Prom dress shopping yesterday was SUPERB!

Also we watched Away We Go, which was so cute. But a bunch of parts were awkward cause we watched it with my family. Last time we ever do that, srsly. One of my biggest pet peeves are when people won't shut the fuck up during movies.

Everything is great, I'm so in looooove, you have no idea dsklgfhskja.

V day!?

This is the second Valentine's day Jacob & I are spending together:)
& I still have the big ol' monkey he gave me last year, who I've slept with every night since Feb 14, 2009. I have no idea what we'll be doing today, but none of that matters, ever. I haven't had any worries since I've been with you, Jacob. You will honestly do anything for me, & you tell me every day how much you love me & how thankful you are to have me; & that you pray almost every night asking God to watch over me, & if anything bad were to happen to me, let it happen to you instead. You are the love of my life, & I'm so greatful to be by your side. No beating around the bush, we're past the boyfriend/girlfriend stage.
To many more Valentine days to come, more kissies & cuddles & hugs; to more hand-holding-tear-dropping-obnoxious-laughing-smile-filled days to come.
I love you.

"I am thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images & when we lay they're perfectly aligned. & I have to speculate, that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay."
the first little song you sang me<3